You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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