dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
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While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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