i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
