I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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