can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Randomize
