She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
