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White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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