Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
