the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Life without a bra equals bliss.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize