Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
