the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
