I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
