I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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