ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I accidentally burped into my bong.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
