you lied. pity sex is amazing.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
