I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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