It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
