Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Less talking, more tequila
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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