i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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