My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
