My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
