I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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