fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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