i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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