the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
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I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
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