i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
