what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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