I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize
