I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
