my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Randomize
