I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
