Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
