You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
