My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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