mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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