I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
You're like the curious george of whores
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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