Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
