I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
