Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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