there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
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