I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
