if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
