Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
