when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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