I cannot find my penis.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
