The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
