So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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