moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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