So drunk its hurt
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Randomize
