I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
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i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
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My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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