The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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