This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
She needs sedatives and a leash
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
