Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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