i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Randomize
