Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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