I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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