Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
