When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
and she was petting her beer can
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
