It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
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Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
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In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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