I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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