I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
