I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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